Of late I’ve been involved in something that requires me to critique write-ups by amateur writers, and have mine critiqued in return. Many of those were a drag around topics that I reviewed without any enthusiasm. Then came up a story by- let’s just call her Vanessa, that resonated with my grapple over a past relationship. Wait a minute- like Vanessa, I’m not supposed to allow myself to think ‘it’s over’. Why not, is something that’ll make sense when I get into that later. But first, I need to rubberneck around why women like Vanessa and me face off from walking out on a romantic relationship, despite it not feeling right.
To go about accomplishing this, I’ve been searching for words of wisdom that would make a lick of sense to me. Everything, I could think of, was called in to find out what hamstrung the tired bones in my mind- friends, therapy, blogs, and self-help lore. I might’ve missed something here- it doesn’t really matter, for it all boiled down to the following tentative laws:
- A false self-assurance that he will change?
- Insecurities in life?
- A subconscious emotional dependence?
- Inability to say ‘No’?
- The susceptibility to live in denial?
- Still in Love?
No and a bigger No! Those were not my premises for not moving on, nor for Vanessa either. The very undeserving ones [the ones so not still in love with] probably got served with years of tolerance, patience, faith, devotion, resilience, and hope. Wow! The Karma law quite failed here.
As modestly as I can affirm, Vanessa and I, are too awakened and insightful to have such senile reasons to have lingered on. I guess a better-thought-out criticism of our surviving the relations would be:
- We didn’t want to be the ones to leave- Loyalty
- We were the ones who did not look for reasons to leave but to stay- Commitment
- We were looking at a complete and fulfilling life with them- Permanence
- Stronger people feel challenged to carry through difficult relationships-Strength of Character
- A deliverance for ourselves, by leaving, would’ve meant betrayal for the other – Compassion
- And now how are we supposed to stage the sweet out of our hearts [Ha! our ex-sweethearts]? It surely wouldn’t seem over because:
- We’ve not quite wiped the slate clean of memories- memories we’ve bottled up in a jar labeled ‘Lessons’.
- We still romanticize what we shared- with paltry evidence of the relationship with our share being pulled off.
- We still look them up- with all the butterflies in our stomach having died.
- There’s still a palpable obsession within us- For the’ Fairy-tale’ stories we told ourselves.
And to any of the readers and survivors, having reached this far, you’d unmistakably ‘move on’ when you can talk about him- looking back, cherishing, joking, admiring, regretting, or lamenting. Talking from an academic distance is a precursor of your rising above those pretty things that once tickled your heart. Don’t slap your wrist for stepping-up to talk about him with a ‘free mind’. Guess what- it is easier to talk about feelings that are no longer pulsating and alive within us.
But don’t get too carried away by your strength- meeting him still may never be a good idea. I say this because you surely don’t want to go on wasting your breath blowing away the candles he still goes on lighting, in his futile pursuit of you.