Hey There! All you incredible Moms…A Happy, Happier, Happiest Mother’s Day!
I’ve been wanting to blog this for some time now. And somehow cannot dismiss from my mind any longer, something that may not be very appropriate for this day. Or maybe something, I need to state an opinion on, on this day.
I meet so many divorced women in my professional career who are looking at migrating abroad with their children. My foremost question to them is on whether they have clear and unreserved custodial rights for their child. The answer to this question usually is a sort of victorious one “Yes, and not even the visitation rights for the father.” That, girls, is such a pitiful thing to hear- a triumphant feeling for the mother [for the appropriation of the law favoring custody to her], but a miserable tract for the child and the exiled father to be on.
A client of mine- a very meek young guy in his early thirties committed suicide about a year ago. He had gone through a rough divorce with his wife who acquired the sole custodian rights for their daughter and had the father deported back to India. He had not seen his daughter ever since. The Goldilocks girl’s picture was shared by a common friend on Facebook when she was aged five. Probably, that was not just a picture, but a trigger.
I’m not addressing anything as dramatic here, but something just as grave. Studies have revealed-and this did surprise me as much-that men are hurt deeper which is why they move on into another relationship sooner than the woman, after a relationship split. And, many men circumvent a divorce and choose to be in a disagreeable relationship for the dread of losing the child to the women-centric laws of guardianship.
We as women are liberated and should send no meaning into staying in a relationship that is decidedly not working for us. But then, ending the marriage should not intend for ending the fatherhood for the child as well. Children, instinctually, love both their parents and should not have to suppress in silence the mother’s aversion for her spouse, who sadly coincides with being the child’s dad. We all have our unbearing moments of vocalization, I must’ve had mine too, but was checked pronto by my younger one with a self-effacing yet stern remark, “I don’t like the way you talk about my Dad.” That was a massive dose of sense delivered to me unbent, about a child’s sensibilities for his father.
When we come to be parents, we need to move beyond our interpersonal equation and take under advisement the biological need of the child for a father. There are all sorts of theories on excuses to banish the father out of the child’s life, the most well-received one being that he’s not good for the emotional well-being of the child”. Look at it this way- nor may be the relationship choices you may be making and failing at, yet again.
And of greater significance are my thoughts for you women who’re doing a wonderfully amazing job at trying to be both [a dad and a mom to the child], out of choice. Please recognize that the super-woman mask you’re wearing has deep clammed up psychological impinging on the child. The little one can see you on a strenuous uphill climb to be his hero and resultantly takes on the responsibility to give you emotional strength instead of deriving his from you [more appropriately put, the parents]. Not many little souls will have the clarity of thought or be able to express to you their tender cravings for the love, support and the need to be able to reach out to the father when needed. Most of them will mirror your beliefs to establish a sympathetic relationship with you, and relate to your battered emotions as their own.
Don’t own a relationship with your child just to yourself, because dads are dads because of the moms, and moms are moms because of the dads. Nature has planned out two for a child, respect the inherent tendencies and the unstated need of the child. Do not obliterate the father from the child’s sketch of life, in entirety. You will get recognition as a strong mother to raise a child by banishing the father from his life. But you will get a happier child and be seen as a mother with great moral power, compassion, and courage to be raising a child by not disconnecting the paternal link from her child’s familial ecosystem.